I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
