Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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