Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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