I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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