Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
