I think my vagina is haunted
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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