My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
