Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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