I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
