He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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