We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
