There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
