i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
