Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
