there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
