I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
