Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
