You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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