My liver just broke up with me...
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
