There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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