Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
