i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
