Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
