If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
