I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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