It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
