So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
