just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
