Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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