I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
