mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
