Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
