even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
