I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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