Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
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All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
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I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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