I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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