Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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