the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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