Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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