why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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