It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
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The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
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He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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