There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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