Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Randomize
