A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
