She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
