Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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