I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
