Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
