Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Help. Why am I so naked?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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