No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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