woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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