Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
