Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
