My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
