Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
