i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
You ate ashes out of my bong
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
