If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I didn't notice because vodka
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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