So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
