haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
