No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just puked most of my soul out..
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
